I am afraid I have to confess to a crime.

[Midnight Writer]

Last edited Thu May 21, 2026, 01:27 PM - Edit history (1)

I tried hard to hide it, but I have been a great admirer and fan of our President, Donald, J Trump, for decades. Watching him come down his golden escalator promising to fix it all was a rapturous experience for me.

So, naturally, when our President called on all patriots to come to DC to support him, hang Mike Pence, raid Congress, and overturn the results of the election, I was all in.

For years, I have kept silent about this, fearful of the lawfare revenge from Biden and the Dumocrats. But today, inspired by our President's own courage, I have decided to stand up and be counted.

Yes, I did it. I forcibly broke into the Capitol on Jan 6, 2021. While there, I desecrated the halls (and walls) with my own excrement, I kicked a cop repeatedly while my fellow patriots held him down, I stole a laptop from a desk, and I carried a sharp weapon that I intended to use on any Demoncrat that I could get a hold of.

I now realize that I should not have hid my crimes: I should have been proud of them. So today I am "doubling down", confessing my role on Jan 6 and declaring that I will eagerly do it again.

Now how do I get paid?

[Walleye]

1. Good one!

[MineralMan]

2. Uh, This Is Too Close to Call, Reallly

I think you need to make the satirical nature of it a little more obvious. Just saying.

[ihaveaquestion]

8. Ummm - you seem to have recognized it. Just sayin.

[rampartd]

3. not much left. the pillow guy has applied for 30 million already.

[Sogo]

16. I heard the pillow guy wants 400 million....

nt.

[perfessor]

4. You will first have to give back

… all the Soros money you’ve been getting as a paid member of DU. No double dipping!

[Marie Marie]

15. Sounds like one of those typical MAGA/Antifa flip floppers to me.

Antifa for the Soros bucks and MAGA for the Trump criminal cash. Just raking it all in...

[OGBuzz]

5. I think you deserve millions$ for all the mental anguish which you had to endure for years in

keeping this from the evil Biden regime. Only Trump could fix it and he did!

[Frasier Balzov]

6. Was needing to make number 2 when you were rioting

just a happy coincidence?

[Midnight Writer]

10. No, I have always been naturally full of shit. Even as an infant.

Frankly, in all the excitement, I could not swear that I was using my own excrement. But I figure there may be some bonus bucks in it for me so I'll give it a whirl.

[Bumbles]

7. You and Stephen of the Colbert Report.

It's hard to lead such a duplicitous life, maintain your integrity and focus on your presentation. Kudos for coming forward. You deserve every bit you get.

[orangecrush]

9. ...

[aggiesal]

11. I'm glad you were fighting for Al Gore, seeing that GW McIdiot's (R) congress was seated on Jan 6, 2001. n/t

[ihaveaquestion]

12. We should all make applications for payouts...

We HAVE been harmed after all - traumatized by the Orange Shitbird. They may have to respond to each one and maybe some of us will get something. We could also pledge to give the money to support democratic causes or institutions (if possible).

Wha'cha think?

[SSJVegeta]

13. Same.

[LudwigPastorius]

14. "...how do I get paid?"

Funny, but Trump considers the insurrectionists' pardons as payment in full.

The Slush Fund money is for him and his family members only.