The Borowitz Report-Paxton Blasts Talarico's Lack of Criminal Record

[LetMyPeopleVote]

Paxton Blasts Talarico’s Lack of Criminal Record
open.substack.com/pub/borowitz... Paxton inadvertently explains why donnie endorsed him.

— (@ber80.bsky.social) 2026-06-04T11:41:43.095Z

https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/paxton-blasts-talaricos-lack-of-criminal

HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report)—The US Senate race in Texas got uglier on Thursday as Republican Ken Paxton accused Democrat James Talarico of lacking the requisite criminal record to represent the Lone Star State in Washington.

“With all due respect, my opponent doesn’t have the cojones to go on a crime spree,” he told a crowd of supporters in Houston. “James Talarico never saw a law he didn’t abide.”

Drawing a stark contrast between himself and Talarico, Paxton said, “My criminal record is as big as Texas itself.”

Paxton warned that, given the lawless environment that currently prevails in Washington DC, a non-crook like Talarico would be a “dangerous choice,” adding, “Texas deserves a criminal who doesn’t need on-the-job training.”

[LisaL]

1. Satire is dead.

[LetMyPeopleVote]

4. It is hard to do satire in today's world

This is Ken Paxton's mugshot.

He was indicted on 3 felony counts for investment fraud.

He was reported to the FBI by his own staff for bribery.

He was impeached by his own party for corruption.

Now he’s the Republican nominee for US Senate in Texas.

Together we will stop him.

— Team Talarico (@teamtalaricohq.bsky.social) 2026-05-27T01:52:01.282Z

[efhmc]

2. Almost funny.

[BlueWaveNeverEnd]

3. Paxton said, "My criminal record is as big as Texas itself."