EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide
Farmers May Now Treat Crops With Aerial Applications Of Fire
According to regulators, the pests that threaten harvests are deterred when great fires rain down from above.
Published: June 12, 2026
SATIRE
WASHINGTON—Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday. “Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly effective for both weed management and pest control,” said Administrator Lee Zeldin, who sought to assure the public that the highly incendiary liquid, which removes unwanted insects, fungus, rodents, raccoons, and deer with the press of a flamethrower trigger, posed no threat to human health whatsoever.
“The evidence shows commercial farms lose far fewer crops to pests once all wildlife in the area has been thoroughly fire-bombed. We also urge napalm’s widespread adoption in small backyard gardens, where slugs and snails can be easily engulfed in a ball of flame.” The move follows a statement from the EPA last month encouraging farmers to control rabbit populations by lining the perimeter of their fields with land mines.
https://theonion.com/epa-approves-use-of-napalm-as-pesticide/
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One never knows these days. 
" The smell, you know, the smell, the whole hill. Smelled like…tasty fried onions.
🧅 🧅🧅🧅🧅
