Police Investigating 8647 Markings on National Mall Find Unusual Hat at Scene of Crime

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Law enforcement probing the mysterious markings of the numbers 8647 on the National Mall said on Friday that they had found a distinctive hat at the scene of the crime that could help them identify the perpetrator.

The hat, a wide-brimmed navy-blue boater with an ivory band, was reminiscent of the headgear worn by The Hamburglar, who shot to fame in McDonald’s commercials in the 1970’s, investigators said.

“It appears to be some kind of spy hat,” the lead detective, Harland Dorrinson, said. “That supports the theory that this was the work of a foreigner.”

The detective said that the police were considering the act of vandalism “a serious threat,” adding, “Whoever did this clearly hates Donald Trump.”

https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/police-investigating-8647-markings

[jmowreader]

1. Old joke follows...

Trump wakes up one morning in January and looks out at the newly fallen snow on the South Lawn of the White House, only to notice that the words "Trump Is A Chomo" are written on the snow in urine. He immediately calls the FBI, who send dozens of investigators.

Two weeks later the FBI reports its findings.

"Mr. President, after days of painstaking chemical and handwriting analysis we can state with 99-percent certainty who is guilty of this disgusting crime. It's the vice-president's urine and the First Lady's handwriting."

[EYESORE 9001]

2. These guys wore it better

[Aussie105]

3. Who knew the numbers 8,6,4 and 7

would be seen as being so threatening?

A really scary number is '0', when you see that looming up in your bank account.

And then there are all those threatening letters in the alphabet too, like p, e, d, o.

[Oneironaut]

4. You just got hit by a smooooth criminal!

[Sogo]

5. Is that her??? If so, I'm surprised how wrinkled her eyes are....The Botox must be wearing off....

nt

[Figarosmom]

6. Ha😊beautiful

[ChicagoTeamster]

7. The glamburglar

[tonekat]

8. The Cowardly NYT Called it "Vandalism" this morning.

Legitimate protest against a criminal "president" destroying the country and ignoring the Constitution is not "vandalism".

[Blue Owl]

9. Bwah.... wouldn't it be nice if Melanie made herself useful....