Trump makes insane announcement to the world - Another Day - Brian Tyler Cohen

[TexasTowelie]

BTC: Donald Trump to the world: America doesn't need you. Because nothing says leadership quite like telling your allies how unnecessary they are. This is just another day.

If you're one of those people who's been reading about how bad this war in Iran is for America's economy, then I encourage you to get some new reading material because we learned today that you've got it all wrong.

(cut to video from CNN)
Trump: The amazing thing is we don't need the Hormuz Strait. We don't need it. We don't need it at all. We don't. We have so much oil. Our country is not affected by this.

(cut to studio)
BTC: Yeah. Iran, keep the Strait of Hormuz closed as long as you want. We'll be fine. I mean, sure, the blocked access to the Strait will likely impact the price of some products, including clothing, cookware, medical equipment, and more.

(patriotic music plays in background)

But true patriots don't need those things at all because they know that American exceptionalism is not about being clothed or visiting doctors who use up-to-date medical equipment. No. Living in the greatest country in the world is about sacrificing affordability, stability, and possibly being misdiagnosed so that our elected officials can claim victory regardless of the actual outcome.

Today, like he's done so often in the past, Donald Trump opened up his colon and let his Cabinet crawl out so they could enjoy the privilege of watching the leader of the free world tell that free world how little they matter to America.

(cut to video from CNN)
Trump: I mean, think of it. We're there to protect Europe from Russia. In theory, it doesn't affect us. We have an ocean, big fat, beautiful ocean, but we're there to protect NATO, to protect them from Russia, but they're not there to protect us. It's a ridiculous. It doesn’t make sense.

We were there for them, but they were not there for us. Do we need them? No. I never thought we needed them. I was more doing a test.

(cut to studio)
BTC: You see, this wasn't a president getting his nation into a multi-billion dollar war without a strategy. This was a multi-billion dollar test of loyalty, and NATO failed. So, to all those countries with their billions still in the bank and their soldiers still at home, you must be feeling pretty dumb right about now.

What's truly sad is how many members of the fake news media keep trying to paint some narrative that Donald Trump is losing this war. That somehow the administration's negotiations with Iran aren't productive or that a deal between the two countries isn't even remotely close. Those are all lies. The truth is we might as well call Donald Trump Howie Mandel because Deal or No Deal, America is already victorious.

(cut to video)
Trump: I'm I'm the opposite of desperate. I don't care. I want to know. In fact, we have other targets we want to hit before we leave.

(cut to studio)
BTC: You know how it is on the last day of vacation. You try and cram in a museum or two before your flight so you really feel like you got the most out of your time away. For Trump, this is just like that only with bombs. You know, I'm starting to believe this president actually meant what he said when he called our incursion in Iran an

(inset video)
Trump: An excursion that a lot of people wouldn't have done.

BTC: Maybe those folks just didn't have enough vacation days left. See, for Trump, this war with Iran is barely even part of his presidency. Think of it more like his side hustle. Okay. Um, his second side hustle.

And sure, he promised that his second side hustle wouldn't involve troops on the ground, and now he's sending in 2,000 of them overseas, but Americans need to relax because we've got plenty of service members hanging around back at home to do the work that really keeps our country safe.

(cut to video from C-SPAN)
Trump: I never want to take them out of DC. I mean maybe somebody later on will do it, but I never want to take, you know the people they look they say we feel so good we feel so safe we see these beautiful strong people and they they're so nice they help they open the doors for people, they carry bags, they pick up paper when they see paper on the ground.

(cut to studio)
BTC: That's amazing! In fact I feel like that's the biggest reason most Americans choose to join the National Guard instead of simply becoming sanitation workers--they want to pick up our crash, but they just wish they could do it while wearing body armor and carrying lethal weaponry.

The truth is, if there is anyone who knows what America does and does not need, it's Donald Trump. Sure, he might be the commander-in-chief, but frankly, I like to think of him more of a prioritizer-in-chief because this is a man who just gets it. While millions of Americans have this foolish idea in their heads that their lives would be better off if their healthcare costs came down, Trump knows exactly what they really need. It's this.

(cut to video from CNN)
Trump: This ballroom is going to be something that's so beautiful for this city, so desperately needed by presidents.

(cut to studio)
BTC: You see, why waste thousands of hours and hundreds of millions of dollars on a frivolous thing like medical care when you can devote that same time and money to making America's mansion exude an even mansionier feel. And sure, you might be thinking about uh how much it costs to fill up your car with gas right now as you take your new miles long walk to work, but that feeling is temporary. You know what's permanent?

(cut to video from TODAY Show)
Host: President Trump is showing off his latest construction project at the White House. A renovation of the bathroom attached to the Lincoln bedroom. The president posting two dozen photos of the bathroom on social media on Friday. It is now covered with Florida ceiling white and black marble.

(cut to studio)
BTC: You hear that? For all those people who have accused this man of being racist, for tweeting videos like this, and for complaining that our museums focus too much on how bad slavery was, well, I invite you to eat your words because this president renovated the Lincoln bathroom with white and black marble. And personally, if I have to pay a little bit more at the pump so that the president's friends get to take a shit inside the gorgeous bathroom that ended racism, well, I am more than happy to do it.

From the campaign trail to the moment he took office, Donald Trump has always promised to fight for the American people. And thankfully, that promise continues to be fulfilled on a daily basis. From last summer's $45 million military parade, to his repaving of the Rose Garden, to the renovations at the Kennedy Center, to the gorgeous banners with his face on them that have been hung outside our government buildings, Donald Trump knows what our nation needs.

And yes, Trump's tariff may have, you know, just barely made the cost of groceries go up just the slightest wee bit amount, but instead of complaining about it, maybe Americans could show a little more gratitude for having a president in office who is literally putting some extra coin in their pockets.

(cut to video from ABC News)
Reporter: A new coin could soon feature President Trump. The Federal Commission of Fine Arts, whose members were appointed by Trump, has approved the 24 karat commemorative gold coin. During a video call, a member of the commission who also designed President Trump's White House ballroom proposed that the coin be large.

Anonymous voice: I think the president likes big things.

(cut to studio)
BTC: Hell yeah, he does. Trump likes his coins the same way he likes his tax breaks for billionaires and his own ankles. Huge. And let's be honest, in the modern era, I think that the one thing every American can agree on is that we wish we were all carrying around more coins.

And the fact of the matter is this. Donald Trump isn't like America's previous presidents, and we should be grateful. Before taking their country to war, most of those guys made their case to Congress, to the American people, and to the world, like a bunch of fucking idiots.

The truth is, America needs allies about as much as we need a thriving global economy. So, if you're one of those folks at home whining about how Donald Trump is spending ungodly amounts of money on himself just as much as the cost of everything makes our country function is becoming less and less affordable, then listen up because this president has a message specifically for you.

(cut to video)
Trump: I don't care.

(cut to studio)
BTC: Exactly.