FBI Warns Second California Senator Still At Large

[speak easy]

WASHINGTON (The Onion) —Emphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. “While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator from the same state who remains able to voice opinions if given the opportunity,” said an FBI spokesperson, who displayed a composite drawing of an older man in a navy blue suit and explained that the sketch had been based on eyewitness descriptions of the fugitive senator.

“These types of politicians tend to work in pairs, and this individual should be considered highly trained in rhetoric and public speaking. Do not respond to any fundraising texts this person may send you. For as long as he continues to evade capture, we advise stuffing your fingers in your ears to keep yourself safe from his dissenting political views.” At press time, the FBI announced it had apprehended the at-large senator’s top aides to demand information on his whereabouts.

https://theonion.com/fbi-warns-second-california-senator-still-at-large/