When The Onion is closer to the truth than satire.

[sheshe2]

BREAKING: ICE admits agents wear masks not for secrecy but to spare the public from the infinite void where their faces should be. Lawmakers pushing transparency warned that one glimpse at an unmasked officer could drive mortals to madness.

— The Last Mile with USAID (@thelastmileusaid.bsky.social) 2025-09-30T00:05:04.963Z

WASHINGTON—In response to legislation that would ban officers from obscuring their identities during arrests and raids, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Thursday that beneath their masks, agents do not have faces.

Tom Homan, the U.S. border czar and chief enforcer of President Donald Trump’s immigration policy, warned that Democrats “may get more than they bargained for” with transparency initiatives like the Senate’s VISIBLE Act, because the agency’s more than 20,000 members wear neck gaiters, hats, and sunglasses to cover a terrifying void where their eyes, nose, and mouth should be.

“The truth is, just underneath their masks lies an infinite abyss of total and complete darkness,” said Homan, adding that ICE officers concealed themselves not only for their own benefit, but also to protect others from seeing the hideous, unknowable horror beneath. “Liberals can accuse this agency of constitutional violations all they want. But we both know that seeing a man in tactical gear is far better than seeing a man without a face, staring deep into that empty chasm, and instantly going mad.”

“Mere mortals cannot survive what lies beyond the cloth,” Homan continued. “Whatever you do, don’t go towards the dark, don’t go towards the dark, don’t go towards the dark.”

https://theonion.com/ice-confirms-agents-do-not-have-faces-beneath-masks/