Gentle Men & Abusive Women: A Lethal Pairing Nobody Wants to Talk About

[Bonobo]

Dr. Jed Diamond shares his personal story, and his hard-earned insights, about being an abused man in a relationship.

When most of us think of the word “gentle” we often picture a caring and supportive woman and when we think of “abusive” we picture an angry, out of control man. But as the classic Gershwin’s song reminds us, “It ain’t necessarily so.”

Men can be abused by women, and some of these men don’t survive the encounter. I was one of the lucky ones. I got out in time, but I almost lost my life in the process.

Like all abusive relationships, things alternated between heaven and hell. There were times that we were higher than high. We were sure things had changed and we were finally on the road to recovery. At other times things got ugly. After one of our fights we got ready for bed. Rita was still livid at something I had said and looked at me with such hatred it chilled my soul. She took a knife out of the drawer and smiled at me. “Pleasant dreams,” she said. I never closed my eyes the whole night.

I came to realize that women can be as abusive as men and that men’s self-esteem can be undermined to such a degree that we lose our sense of self and become addicted to the cycle of abuse and desire. We long for a better life, but we need help to find to help. Help to find that better life. The help starts when we begin to talk about what’s really going on. I’m still talking and would enjoy hearing from others who have had similar experiences or are touched by what I’ve shared.