Hi, All!

[happybird]

I haven't been around for a while because I've been on what I'm now calling the Farewell to Rehab Tour 2025.
I have 6 months and 8 days clean today.

I know everyone says this but... it feels different this time. A calmness and serenity that was unsettling at first because I'd never felt it before, and the belief that I CAN do this definitely feel different. I GET to do this. My thinking has entirely changed to acceptance, surrender, gratitude, and being ok with living life on life's terms. I have gratitude for finally receiving the gift of desperation. I lost it all: the house, the cats, everything. But, it had to happen for me to be able to move on to this new life of positivity, personal responsibility, and self-support. Of living in gratitude.

As for that, I left the DC area back in July and ended up living in Vermont! Did it on my own with the help of Medicaid and scholarships, not my family. I'm in a sober living house with other women, working, and feeling good. I don't know what the future holds and am okay with that. I'm doing the work and trusting the process. What matters is the desire to use has been lifted for the first time in my life. I do not want to use today and that is a miracle. And, I am not relying on the financial safety net of my family (or having to jump through crazy, constantly moving hoops to utilize that safety net. I'm doing ACA meetings, too, lol). I know I take myself wherever I go but I can finally breathe and think and grow now that I've removed myself from that toxic environment.

I'm currently working on my 4th Step with my sponsor and it's helping to unravel the complicated feelings surrounding my family and the things I did in 39 years of active addiction. Feeling feelings and sitting with them and being ok with it for once in my life feels good. Changing feels uncomfortable but good. Sure, It can really suck on some days but it's worth it.

I just wanted to check in, and also to share a couple things that have been working for me, in case they can help anyone else:

MORE: Mindfulness Oriented Recovery Enhancement
https://drericgarland.com/the-components-of-more/

Dr. Allen Berger's work on Emotional Sobriety. This is a review of this main book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety, but it sums up the concepts pretty thoroughly. All the other blurbs and descriptions I've seen don't do it justice.
https://12stepphilosophy.org/2021/12/01/12-essential-insights-for-emotional-sobriety-a-book-summary/

I was on a technology and news blackout for months so am slowly catching up on the news. It's so distressing. I'm taking it in 10 minute increments per day and praying for all of us.♥️