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The Onion. This is ALL their fault. Their constant stream of parodies opened some sort of a predictive programming wormhole in our timeline and, like some sort of spell, became an incantation that evoked it all into existence. Maybe there is some way to reverse it?
I think that explains it. I don't know why I didn't see it before.
I am going to write them about this and see if we can get it cleared up pronto. 
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